Ability Forum

Lacchu · Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:27 am Post subject: Some jokes

Read before Getting marriage.... :-)

• Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?

To tell each other affectionately. .. Sweetheart U R Dead !

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• Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman

After Marriage: Gentleman

After 10 years: Watchman

After 20 years: Doberman

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• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

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• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

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• How Dogs and Women are alike?

Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing

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• The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: Everything and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"

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• A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

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• Galfriends r like chocolates, taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

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• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

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• Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

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• Ek aadmi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha. Achanak bijli chamki, badal garje, jor se barish start ho gayi.

Dukhi aadmi: Lagta hai pahunch gayi.

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• On Jeeto's bday Santa had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank manager.

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• Jitne channel TV ke, utne nakhre Biwi ke.

TV chalta remote se, Biwi chalti hai note se.

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• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

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• Husband wife ki godh mein leta hua thaa. Wife: Kaisa lag raha hai ji.

Husband: Aise jaise bhagwaan Vishnu Shesh naag ki godh mein lete Hon.

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• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

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• Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage) , what u njoy is not permanent(galfriend ), what is permanent is boring(wife)

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• What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

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• Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"

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Cheers
Lakshmi Natarajan

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srividyaa · Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 8:08 pm Post subject:

I was testing the children

in my Sunday school class

to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale

and gave all my money

to the church,

Would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day,

mowed the yard,

and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals

and gave candy

to all the children,

and loved my husband,

would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

srividyaa · Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:22 pm Post subject:

When things go wrong,
When sadness fills your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,

Just let me know,

I want to be there for you, because.....
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My uncle is Selling Tissue Paper.

Buy 1, Get 1 Free...

Always Keep Smiling

srividyaa · Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:57 pm Post subject:

1. What is height of Fashion?

Ans : Dhoti with a zip .

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Ans : Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Ans : Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Craziness?
Ans : Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Ans : Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

6. What is height of Stupidity?
Ans : A person looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

7. What is height of Honesty?
Ans : A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

8. What is height of Suicide?
Ans : A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

9. What is Height of Kanjoosi ?
Ans : Banta's house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!!!

srividyaa · Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 11:09 am Post subject:

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to theRiviera.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"

srividyaa · Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 7:47 pm Post subject: Take ur time

This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a mistake. The average person can't do it!  This is really difficult, not so easy, so be careful.

      1.     This is this cat
      2.     This is is cat
      3.     This is how cat
      4.     This is to cat
      5.     This is keep cat
      6.     This is a cat
      7.     This is fool cat
      8.     This is busy cat
      9.     This is for cat
      10.   This is forty cat
      11.   This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

srividyaa · Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:39 pm Post subject: keep smilingggggggggg

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

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Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

srividyaa · Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 3:37 pm Post subject: Interview of Popat Rao

Interviewer: Let me check your word Power...

PopatRao :Ok Sir ....

Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of .....good.

PopatRao: hmmmm..... Bad

Interviewer: Come

PopatRao:Go.

Interviewer: Ugly.

PopatRao:Pichlli.

Interviewer: PICHLLIIIII?

PopatRao:UGLYYYYYYYYY..

Interviewer: Shut Up.

PopatRao:Keep Talking.

Interviewerk now stop these all..

PopatRao:now carry on this all

Interviewer:abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
PopatRao:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh

Interviewer:Areeee yaaar

PopatRao:areeee dushmannnnnn

Interviewer: Get Out.

PopatRao:Come In.

Interviewer: Oh my God.

PopatRao: Oh my Devil.

Interviewer: U r Rejected.

PopatRao:I m selected...Thank u thank u sir

srividyaa · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 7:48 pm Post subject: Top 10 most stupid questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't youtry again.

3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes inAfrica marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your officeasks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

srividyaa · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:38 am Post subject: Funny Killer English

Funny Killer English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

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Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

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once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

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don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on,

but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

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My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

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"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

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LIBRARIAN SCOLDED ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

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srividyaa · Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2010 3:29 pm Post subject: Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel

Question : " What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please "

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

srividyaa · Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:37 pm Post subject:

Hi guys.....

Well this is a true story......

My friend lives in Delhi... One day he went to Noida to visit his uncle for some days. One evening he and some other of my college friends went to Atta for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it was very late. He reached Noida around midnight...... He had to walk about a mile from where his friend dropped him.... As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like that..... It got the shivers on him when he noticed that his old guy is unusually pale and staring at him...

The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you company". Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of his life......... My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his collection.. He noticed that all the books were related to supernatural activities...but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked the old man "how much is it?".... The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's only for Rs 250. "

My friend was shocked and said "but...but... it's expensive" This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly checked all his pockets & found Rs. 200 & said "This is all I have." The old guy replied "It's OK son ...you can have the book for that price" As ! my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book to it's last page... remember these words or you would regret it...!!!!!"

My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he quickly asked his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon nights but i've heard that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words on his mind. At night, 2 0'clock, as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said! But we humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped to
the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below :

Don't look further down if you have a weak heart I warn you :
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Original price:-- Rs. 20/-

Promotion price: -- Rs. 10/-

HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE JJ

srividyaa · Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 7:34 pm Post subject:

Lord, Take Pity on Me

George was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

George looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

srividyaa · Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:39 pm Post subject:

A marvellous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when
he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to
the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his
car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over
here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

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Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

Jessyjen · Newbie Joined: 22 Oct 2011 Posts: 7 Location: usa

Hi,

These jokes are really very naughty. It will cause pain in your stomach. I like it very much. Thanks.

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